follow me or be homeless…fucked that one up.

Bored on this bus im kinda getting annoyed with my situation. I have been house hopping for about 5 years and now I am sick of it. I have an apartment, well, somedays, other days I have McDonald’s. I pay rent weekly at 40 dollars and deal with getting smacked, being scratched, several kids, some spitting in my face and “Mother’s United” doing their own thing. Btw…statistic for your asses: it cost me more daily to live in a shelter than live with my cousin. I eat one or two meals daily, drink a shit load of water, progressively lose weight and have all my stuff in the restroon closet and sleep on a couch, other days the floor. Its become my standard of living. Hopefully, i I won`t have to end up in another shelter as I have in NY. Denied admission because of time, given a great meal in a bag and slept on a chair in the lobby. No pun intended.

I am the only male adult in the house and i let the kids act wild because after observing and studying their behaviors I see a pattern of abuse, improper communication and financial hardship. I accept the childish behaviors in hope that communication will open up and restoring a healthy mindset and lifestyle for the boys future molding and development, specifically, Anthony and Willie.
We have a ganged up approach on me because I have education, don’t have a pessimistic attitude and am a homeless family member among the many drama’s and arguments. So what the kids see is, me against you.
I see me against, proper parenting, hardship in finance, trauma through abuse, abuse of circumstance, and validity in point of view.

I also have a head injury that haunts me daily, am supposed to go in for a cardiac test and have an anger so deep that I have to lose me, as an individual and person, to understand their situation, evaluate mine, keep my cool and await my disability appeal; which has me pissed the fuck off.(no intention of speaking negatively of workers or program). I have had more hospital visits in 9 mos. and near death experiences than I’ve ever had in my life. I put up with neglect, abuse, and my stank ass attitude because i am supposed to graduate this year, watch my friends be freakin’ awesome people, who they are, deal with religion because of my cousins half-assed views because of what I, homeless man, believe is financial hardship because of her own situation outside my own.
Her assumptions and intended disrespect of dating my father; hating just about anything and everything. Losing my faith because of leaders whom i gave complete trust and stilll do letting me be a bum in their eyes, in mines, a house hopper of 5 years, soon to be phony kiss ass in a shelter until my finances are back on track and hopfully my malnutrition is not exhausted to the ponr, my way of saying point of no return.

Also, find some genuinely used me for money not being a person and watched me walk around a town destroy my life for a progression of several years.

I have an illness; yes, illness, that i was able to diagnose myself and have to think about being beat up or killed for a reason I have no idea about. I am this sincere.

Its a place of numb delusion at times because of how hurt,frustrated, angry, hurt, i feel. Then when I am about to be happy end up with another drama creating more depression. It’s a freaking mentally depleating process.I put up with sucking dick and deal with views and opinons i dont agree with. Make note: this vulgar language and vivid imagery comes only from rage and getting rid of several hurts in my past. I have never felt so strongly about how deceptive and immoral people could be and maybe some are.

Also, remember my head hurts i’m scared and i want lots of money. Thats how upset i am because of the amount of self help i could have done and got rid of so much drama. I have different views about life, family and right now just rant without consequence in hopes of finding a mutual understanding and better my life wih individuals who see my point, take it seriously and actually take a stand for their view like i have for almost a year. Its sad because I promise this much i predicted some and almost all results with anger, deception, lies and blatant disrespect because i care about her kids; have molded my situation accordingly and give reverence and some days I just lose it all because its about 30:1 with all the friends they talk to and I`d say most of it negative so the kids see me in a pessimistic light, optimistic because I keep them happy and lightheart the situation but understand what i say now can effect them forever. I care about myself first and the kids second. Its extremely difficult to create an unbiased view with my liberal mindset. Ive succeeded in gaining some insight to her children as far as respect balance and agreeance i am working on it but remember its a 30:1 view. I say harsh words and make strong points fear hurt and reverence lifestyles. I have changed and molded as a person but do try hard to stand up for my beliefs. I have the child enthralled but implement respects and values that are lifelong. One,you are your own person; but, remember we all are people and individuals.
Care for yourself first, think before you act and learn to improve your and all lives.

Who would’ve thought, this is what law looks like?

Today like many other days, I have evaluated my situation and my attitude. Both suck, but it seems to get the job done. I am a victim of Identity Theft and it’s not cool. I think in tactic and sometimes lose a sense of reality. I have been at this computer for almost five hours researching, writing and hopefully securing my future.

Keep your thoughts like joy; Uplifted and present…

I unwrap your smile while bows of grace as they tie me closer to your idea of thought

some big, some small, all engraved with designs that create individuality and character

I decide to open one with hesitant cheer. I see creativity, hope, friendship, and families…

Which do I choose? What a hard choice to pick.

I pause, and decide…why choose a thought?

A smile is present and therefore I’m uplifted.

I don’t want to let go of your laugh, our smiles, and our past

We created memories and friendships that opened my eyes

It broke my heart and made me cry

And now- I feel slightly blind

A circle of trust dismembered and opened into a web of confusion

I looked in your eyes for truth and peace

I looked into her eyes for love and strength

I cried to you for clarity

I laughed with them for healing

and now i’m gone, 

i still linger in a child’s mind but no longer think or feel

i’m numb.

i don’t want to lose you too, I’ve lost enough

Just plain suck.